THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT

“Why would you lie to me!?” thundered Kate. She was extremely upset about it. Kunle had lied to her about what she considered the most important issue in their relationship. The poor guy could not say anything but he eventually managed to stutter “I – I - aam ve – very sor-ry Kate” he was moving closer, gaining confidence. “I – I – was….” “Don’t come near me!” Kate raged on “Don’t try to. I hate you for lying to me. I loved you and you betrayed me!” She was sobbing hard. It was not about that dark girl that Kate had seen with him. “This is more than that, it is a betrayal of my trust!” She confided in her friend. “Kunle was never a student of the university, he had been lying about it for the past one and half session!” Kunle did score above 200 in his JAMB but lost his admission to the unfulfilling promise of one lecturer he knew. It was so hard to tell her while just meeting her. He had fallen madly in love with her, she has been a wonderful companion and he could not afford to lose her. Although they tried to mend the sore and move on, it did not last. They broke up painfully last month.

Lie, as small and easy it could be, is one of the most harmful in a relationship. Guys out there had always used lie to get away with their misdeeds. Everyone would remember the popular Shaggy style – “it wasn’t me”. Everyone would agree to have lied one way or the other either while one was young or while of age but many would also agree that lie is not good. Some people consider “white – lie” as a good one because it seeks to protect one from harm or to protect the other person. Then, how do we explain this where a little boy told his father’s debtor that the father was not at home and actually, the father was hiding. Do we consider that a “good lie” since the little boy did it to protect his father from possible embarrassment? This will indeed arouse argument which I am not concerned about. Lie is lie and I know many will agree with me that it is harmful either being at the giving or receiving end. Then why do people lie?

People lie in order to avoid the consequence of heart break, hurt and punishment. This was actually the reason Kunle gave: “I was very afraid of how Kate will react to it that I was not a student at the university. I was so crossed with myself that I had not told her the truth. I’ve been lying for the past one year plus”. We must have done this even when we were young but we usually find out that what follows was hurt from which we suffer and our parents are disappointed in us.

Some people might know a United State’s musician called “Truth Hurts”. That is where I am going. People lie because they feel that the truth of the matter will hurt their fellow. They are afraid of hurting the other side.

On the other hand, low self-esteem is another reason people lie. They feel that which will be said concerning them by the other side. They have a low self-esteem about themselves. This is one of the many problems psychologists are contending with which has bedeviled many in our society – low self-esteem which many people do refer to as inferiority complex. Many live their lives based on other people and are deadly conscious of what they will say about their actions. They therefore consider lie as a perfect getaway.

Dr. Myles Munroe wrote somewhere in his book “The Burden of Freedom” of how to be totally free which requires most essentially responsibility. In his other book “Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men”, he explained how life has been this due to lack of responsibility on the part of Adam, the first man. People lie because they don’t want to be responsible for their actions.

A person who is not responsible for his actions lacks what it takes to be a dependable person in life. The person resorts to trading blames as seen by Adam of the bible against his wife, Eve. No matter what, truth is and should be the best thing to do. This is for the following reasons.

Truth is the best. Had it been that Kunle had said the truth rather than being quiet to Kate, don’t’ you think Kunle would have avoided the trauma that accompanied their break up and things could have been OK for them both? They might not have dated but there would have been mutual respect for each other’s feelings and they both would have been better for it.

For two people to work together or for a group to be very effective, John C. Maxwell wrote in his book “The 17 Essential Qualities of a Team Player”, there must be trust. This he called the “Quality of Communication”. A strained relationship, to him, can only be conquered or adverted by proximity. And to my mind, a relationship based on trust has as its foundation, truth. In actual sense, truth fosters trust.

Look at Adam of the bible. What if Adam had accepted that he had actually offended God and said sorry, do you think God would have banished them out of Eden? I believe God would have been lenient with them. Truth makes one responsible for one’s actions and when one is responsible, no doubt one becomes dependable. That was Kate’s reaction: “I loved you and you betrayed me!” A good relationship based on truth brings forth responsibility and dependability.

Everyone would agree with me that although in most time, truth really hurts but it also strengthens relationship if the truth is told on time. John C. Maxwell also wrote in his book of the “twenty four – hour rule” where he advised that to have a good relationship, members of a team should not exceed twenty-four hours to see to mending their strained relationship. I believe this also applies even when there is no strained relationship. It is good to also say the truth and should be said on time.

Three deadly wishes have been identified namely: I should have, I could have, and I might have. Funny enough, these could have been avoided in most relationships if only people could just say the truth. Why don’t you get on the train and promise to always say the truth no matter what. It’s just a way of avoiding hurts before it is too late.

God I'm so happy! I'm much better compared to how I was some few seconds ago. If you ride a horse in my mind, it can never stumble. I've just heard a great news! It's not what you think. I've not just got a car, nor got money. No, no girl has just said 'yes'. I'm very happy my prayers and other people's are answered. It tells me God hears and answers prayers when we call HIM.

I'm so happy for her. She's just divorced him! She's back from rehab looking stunning. A sharp contrast to how she was the other time I saw her on the pages of the newspaper. A pitiable sight she was with swollen eyes like that of a decaying orange begging for extinction. It's simply comforting to hear she took the right decision now.

Whitney is outa rehab and she's looking great. She's finally ended the 14year sorrowful marraige to Bobby and she's gonna roll out the superdopa album for us, her teeming fans. I love her so much and I'm so happy she's back and better. I pray and hope for her she'd be able to pick the pieces left of her life and make it a whole lot that will surely make us all what God wants us to be.

I love you Whitney. You're an answer to prayers.
With love.
Segun

My Decision Today

Something just occurred today. It was a bombshell! And I must tell you it caught me off guard. I could have been hurt so much with so many burns on my body. I could have lain on the dirty road of Ketu helpless and pitiable. I could have just been hit by headache so much I couldn't bear with migraine in quick succession. I didn't expect this at all. It was a shocker for me. I love life so much, a very good one, and I can't deny it; I love women-beautiful women. They are gifts from God to this world. I can never imagine how this world will be like without the woman. It can never be complete you know. But as indispensable as they are, coupled with so much power they possess, women can also give you a shocker. I won't really say there have been some women in my life really but let me just say, I have had a little share of women. I love hanging out with them and I love just being with them. They could be good being your friend that you could just walk in to her room and having a wonderful meal. Flatter in the classroom. Laugh and joke with in the office. And sometimes, share deep feelings in your sober time of reflections. But there is something I don't really like about her. She's so full of indecision. I believe everybody, or put in a better way, most people want best for themselves and they know the best for themselves. It's the way a woman plays with a man's emotion when the latter intends to cross from that bridge of friendship into being a lover. She can really be a pain in the butt. A confident, suave and debonair guy can be disturbed with so much perspiration over him. It's just a big bomb and it could easily destroy though not instantly physical. Anyway, a psychological one, it appears at the instance but no doubt it materializes in the physical. It's a big pain and who can bear? I've had my share of this and I'm still having it. I actually had it this morning and I almost fell in the convulsive collapse of a paralytic whose seizures had become unbearable anymore. I told you I love women. Sure I do, but I've always found myself at fix in making a decision of who to talk to. So was my experience with Joke, the neighbour next door. We grew up together and it took me quite a long time into puberty to know how endowed she was. What a luscious red-shaded lips so natural and loving.

Yetunde was not all I wanted for a girl but now, she is many things I wanted for a girl. She was all brain and beauty. But it never went the way I thought it would. It all crumbled when I decided to cross the bridge. There is just something about the bridge. It’s so disturbing.

I usually look at my friends with admiration and wonder at myself with trepidation when I hear about one falling in love with the other girl and both of them having a good time. In wonder, I look at them because I found it amusing, interesting and strange. But with trepidation I look at myself and ask me: Is there anything wrong with you? Have I ever really fallen in love? I don’t think so. Joke told me it was only infatuation. Yetunde didn’t really tell me what it was but definitely, it was no love. It’s something else and I still wait with patience to know what it was. To Toyin, it was LIKE.

My life is full of tests and examinations. In my young life, I’ve been able to surmount some but this one seems so intractable and difficult to solve. I look at myself and I still wonder if ever I’m going to move away from this circle. It’s just so disturbing and it’s not getting interesting at all for me. I’m sick and tired of it. It’s not a small circle anymore. It’s a big circle with towers around it like the twin towers that hold that imposing bridge on the river Thames in London. It’s slippery so, I couldn’t climb through and I have no gloves. How I wish I get a tall iron ladder and maybe, I could climb my way through and take a deep sigh of relief with a sweet savour of freedom that looms beyond.

Funmi is no difference this morning but with a tinge of bile. Her test seems a virgin one but it’s been around though with a new coat it seems. And when the equation came, I stood rooted not like a tree but a student with a mathematical problem staring him right in the face in the exam hall with no sight of any formula in his memory. It’s sad.

I woke up this morning with so much love for life and anxiety with what this day will bring. I should have called her in the night with my mtn free night calls but I was fast asleep with my mind far away in God-knows- where land. When I woke up, I was just anxious and I won’t lie to you man, she was and is so much on my mind. She was in the bathroom and I had to call back. When I did, I was standing at the bus stop in Ketu with sound blasting everywhere. I managed to talk on my rather recalcitrant phone as it wouldn’t concede to the disturbing sound around me. What a sweet voice to relish early in the morning. But it wasn’t long when the reality dawn on me. Why do you want to see me? What do you want to talk about? What is about US? I don’t think there is a US. All came like a torrent and I stood there defenseless and helpless as I was crushed with the sharp missiles hitting at me and piercing into my inner being.

‘But I guess you broke up’, I managed to say. I couldn’t believe she and her ex she once told me walked away and left her in the cold had just come back. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to really live the Prince Charming sweeping my lady off the red carpet story? I don’t know.

I could’ve walked away again and accept the horse has thrown me down and pissed on me. But I will not accept that again. She’s not going to throw me down this time. I’m going to hold on to the reins and hold it tight. I may not go out with her. It doesn’t even seem probable any longer. But I’ll not renege in my growing love for her. I’ll nurture it till it blossoms so well so I can nestle under it’s ever inviting shadow. I’m not going to blow it up like I did with Yetunde. I’m still going to call her and tell her I still adore her for being her. I’m going to tell her how much she still means to me even if she felt her ex is back and better. I’m going to show her and prove to myself I can love unconditionally. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to stay focus so I can love straight. That’s my decision today and for a very long time to come.

What Are Friends For?

“What are friends for?” You must have heard this time without number and I guess you must also have said it once or even more. But in actual fact, not so many people have actually taken time to view the magnanimity of that word 'friend'. To many, 'friend' is that person one is willing and is also willing to share things with in all ramifications. I tell you, this word in itself is simply ambiguous. Mariah, 22yr old and a law undergraduate defined a friend as 'that one who takes one as one is, and treats one as such and who doesn't complain but tries to correct without hurting one's feelings.'

Whatever ways we see this concept called 'friend', it is basically a matter of 'intimacy'. Judith Viorst, a columnist in Redbook Magazine, wrote in her piece: 'Friends, Good Friends, And Such Good Friends', that 'friendships are defined by their level of intimacy'. In appraising these levels of friendship, she classified friendships.

Convenience friends, according to her, are those that we would not have been friends, only for our path that do cross. Now, have you considered the guy next door who likes to discuss sports a lot? Do you call him a friend? Or have you considered the lady you usually ride with in the same bus? May be you should think about the guy you share office with or even the girl you sit with while the Evidence class was on. These people are not really friends in the sense of it. At best, we can only say they are convenient friends. These are people we get to relate with out of convenience and normally, we wouldn't have talked to them only for intermittent 'hellos'. In my view, these type of friends are best called 'acquaintances'

Moreover, she identified Special Interest Friend. This type of friend is not intimate. Their values lie in some interest jointly shared. For example, a course mate, or a shopping mate. Here, it is more of doing things together and not being together. It is based on the meeting of interest between both of the parties. A guy had actually walked up to me after a lecture and asked me to be his friend. He would like to have discussions with me from time to time. It's all as result of a special interest he has in me!

Another level of friendship is Historical Friend. This friend knows a part of us which no other person know, Judith wrote. We might have stayed together in the same compound back in the village, probably attended the same primary school. She knew it when you started growing breast or he was right there in front of you while other boys laughed at you in the dorm when you had your very first wet dream. You guys have really gone along way back in time. She was the first and only one you told the morning after you lost your virginity. This level of friendship is a friend which tie is even stronger than that of siblings sometimes. They are indeed special.

Furthermore, there is Crossroad friend. Like historical friend, our crossroad friend is important for what was. For a friendship we shared at a crucial, now past, time of life. Aritha had gone to the bank to pay the reparation fee but she did not know how to fill the bank slip. Abbey had just walked in and happily, helped her and bingo! they became friends. She will never forget Abbey for saving her of possible embarrassment and he still remembers that as well. They wouldn't have become one if only that there path crossed at the bank hall.

A cross generational friend can be seen as a father-son or mother-daughter relationship and vice versa though not biological. A friend who is old enough to be one's father or young enough to be one's daughter. This type of friendship is just so interesting and it's quite funny how both parties get along. It's simple. The older one enjoys hanging out with the younger to have the youthful side of life which he or she once experienced. And for the younger party, he or she drinks from the pool of the older one's experience

The last of these is Man-Woman friend. Many have asked the question: can the opposite sex just be friends without having a relationship? Yes! I had found this in so many relationships around. For Kunle and Ogo, theirs is a friendship blessed by God. Ogo knows Kunle's flaws so well, and she takes him for that. She shares with him her experiences, joy and love in her relationship and Kunle reciprocates same to her. She is fun to be with, Kunle once said in an unofficial interview between the two. He knows of her boyfriend and she knows his too and those other girls! They love each other's company so much and most times, they have been tagged 'the happiest couples around'. They value each other so much!

In all, however we view friendship, it is all about intimacy. There is the 'medium' friend you tell about few things and that frown on your face is just a headache. To some pretty good friends, you said it's about some stress you're going through and you don't say anything more. However to a very good friend, you tell her you're in a fix as you are on a brink of total collapse as you are already going bankrupt as the bank won't allow you a breathing space for the loan you aren't able to pay. To a very good friend, you pour out your heart and seek for succour and possibly a solution that your heart so much wants because you believe in her and for some time now, you both have been in it together.

Unpredictable

Maybe if i have my laptop now, I could have written many articles. Perhaps one article, a day. But here I am still wishing and hoping. I had better use this: confessing! It's something I will really love to have and I'm not going to quit confessing it! I know I will surely get it real soon!
Lately, I've been thinking about many things, you know; people and situations around me. I'm a very interesting person and I don't need to be told at all. I love life and I'm going to live it to the fullest God-willing. But to tell you truth if it must be told, I do find myself in a culdrum of having people showing me they really love me or to put it right, like having people being the same person I used to think they are. Not good people going bad folks, but my inability or my self-conscious denial that people will not always be the same. People change!

Can you imagine that I was almost in a fix at the law firm where i'm presently on intern over my mentor. How could she turn to be like this? I've questioned myself several times. Maybe she never liked me being here anyway and she refused to tell me this. Although everybody is busy here. Even, Yemisi and Barbara, two lovely people I've ever met in my life could sometimes be and it's hard to see their faces again. So also are others here.

One day, I shared my experience with them about my mentor. "hey!" they both chorused. "hope u are not thinking she's bad or mean anyway?" "people are busy here and u know u can always be the same person because people got so much on their mind so they never get bothered about you!" Yemisi said. What a great relief that was for me. At last, it is not what I thought it was.

Back at home which I shared with a friend of mine and his Auntie's family, he's getting too quiet for my liking these days. But I could have gone on worrying myself. Maybe it wasn't good I came in the first instance or I did something very wrong and he doesn't just want to tell me. But now, I know people are not like you and are in fact unpredictable. Just like French could likely change towards fashion or an artiste, I guess it's just a fad! And that doesn't mean people hate you or they won't have anything of you. NAH! It's never like that. It's just that people've got so much on their minds and they just want that solo time with themselves thinking about their lives and most times, nobody wants to be bothered at all!

Looking at it, I can also be a mule at times, and sometimes when I look at myself, I just thought maybe I'm stupid. I've heard friends complained about this and in fact lost some due to this just because I took the whole stuff too far. So look at it, you could also be in the same shoes. Think about those times you just want to be alone and nobody intruding into your serene ambience. In all, I guess people are just the same. They could be normal today, and before you say 'jack!' they've all gone over and you're just there wondering if you've done anything stupid or so.

I guess people are just unpredictable just as you and I are.

Love or Like

He looks her straight in the eyes. He has been standing there with her for just ten minutes but it looks like they’ve been there for two hours. What am I going to do now? He thought.
“Lolade”, he called her. As if she is a mile apart, she jerks her head up, with a startled “yes!”
“B – But you know I love you,” he continues,
“Come on now Lolade, I love you” She turns around, looks down.
“Look at me, Lolade, you know I love you, come off it!” he gently raises her head up. “Face me and tell me what’s on your mind”.

How can she make him understand? He’s cute, dark and intelligent. He’s such a good friend. But she’ll just love to put it at that. She turns around, sighs
“Wale”, silence, “you know what? I don’t love you. I like you so much and that’s all I want. Please just take that from me”, looks him straight in the eye and turns to walk away.
“I think we should start going, let’s get out of here…”

Do you know that many girls out there love to flirt around really? They want to be kissed on the cheek, sometimes on the lips and they actually love it when guys give them dirty talk. Some wouldn’t mind to stay in a guy’s place till dawn. Some could even give you all the green light you need to see that will make you think you are the one, but really, they’d just love to keep it at that.

Unfortunately, the poor guy thinks he is the bloke. Actually, he is but he doesn’t just have the mind. He’s falling in love! He starts planning things but not without Lolade in mind. While hanging out with the guys for drinks, he is caught up with his imagination, cruising with her on a love boat, or having a sun tan on the beach with her lying beside her in her see-through bikini.
“Come on”, he told his friend one day, “No girl would just hug a guy like that! If there isn’t anything, she wouldn’t give me that kiss!”
“Wait”, he calls out to another one, “last night when I proposed to her again, she looks me straight in the eye, you know this sensual look (gesticulates with his hands), and just kissed me sliding her tongue with mine, but I was just very disturbed that I couldn’t just…”
“But she hugs me too”, the friend calmly said.
“No”, he retorted, “She gives me the full hug, so loving, so passionate. Come on, there’s more to that!”

“But in actual fact, the girl really just doesn’t fell the need to make things formal”, Tosin Anuodo, a part 3 law student of Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, Osun State, said. But the guy wants the girl to at least say “yes!” with a passionate kiss to follow it. Then that’s where it comes in that to face the real fact, ‘love’ is not ‘like’ but they overlap.

To Funbi Akinwale, a student of the same university, “most girls just don’t want commitment. Girls could generally flirt with guys but that doesn’t mean she loves the guy or will want to end up in a relationship with him”. Maybe she’s just enjoying herself. That means she likes the guy but doesn’t love him. It had better be known to the guys out there that you don’t mistake her friendship and attention to be love. Many ladies would rather let it be kept at that.

If that be the case, don’t you think there is sure a better deal? I think there is! Rather than keeping yourself in commitment that could end up breaking your heart, why not just enjoy yourself in that attention and you may be lucky that the peck could turn to kiss and that could actually lead to something else and nobody is hurt? I bet you do!

She doesn’t want commitment but she wants to play around. No string attached but chemistry could always erupt. She said she just broke up with Jide and Kunle isn’t the right guy for him. She agrees that though you’d make her happy if she goes out with you and you both could always have fun, but she just doesn’t see it happen at all. Then, no problem! It’s just a fair deal! Go around and have a good time. You want her love for a new year. Rather than hate her for punishing your emotions, be happy because it’s one less thing to worry about.

Akin told me about how lovely it felt when she gave her the hug and how she loves making his hands wander on her love buns. I think it’s cool too! Let’s enjoy! Rather than guys been locked up in emotional turmoil, they now know better. “Love” is not “Like” and they can enjoy. I think it’s a good new-year resolution guys. Just enjoy!

It's all about PASSION

There had indeed been calls around that people should live beyond their average. Empower yourself! Don’t settle for less! However, we tend to have left out the place of passion. No wonder so many people do get jobs and live to regret it while some in fact did get out of the job, dejected, simply for one reason, ‘I don’t feel it!’ In many things people do these days, most especially here in Nigeria, there is no passion.

Passion is like the ‘feel’ or ‘feeling’ you have for what you do or are involved in. when there is no passion, depression simply and quickly sets in. In fact, it is the fuel that makes us achieve our dreams. Ready examples are pervasive in our environment. You must have taught about it. I once asked Jude, a friend of mine who was finding law so hard, why? “I don’t feel the course. I never felt it” he replied. “Then what would you be studying if not law?” I asked this time, worried. He replied simply; “Theatre Art”.

Kunle was doing quite well in MTN, one of Nigeria’s biggest telecommunications company. He was an administrator there and earning big. Anyone could have prayed for such and I must confess to you, so many people would have loved to get Kunle’s job. Surprisingly, one fateful morning without any job on the line, Kunle quit! “Are you crazy!?”, “Are you out of your mind!?”, “How do you expect to get another job as good as this!?” Friends, family, and colleagues lashed out at him. “But I haven’t gotten much time for myself folks! I simply don’t feel it!”

It is the truth that most times when it seems like we are just stagnant at a project or whatever we are doing just looks so bleak to us, it is because we don’t have passion for it. “Pete Rose, the legendary baseball player of the Cincinnati Reds, has experienced his share of problems”, wrote John C. Maxwell in his book, 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork, “but he was certainly one of the great catalysts of his sport in the twentieth century.” He was once asked which goes first on a baseball player: his eyes, his legs, or his arm. Rose’s response was telling. He said, “None of these things. It’s when enthusiasm goes that he’s through as a player.” He is not only true of a baseball player, I believe so he is of any person. Enthusiasm is passion!

Ask me about an establishment that blossoms, employs thousands, and makes millions in turnover and I’ll show you people who have passion for what they are doing sitting on its board. Show me a musician who sells a million records a year and I’ll show you a passionate person with a passionate manager who believes in her. This also applies to a relationship. A passionate person makes a better partner and brings out the best in the relationship! As this is also true of teams, I consider some team players.

Michael Jordan as everyone knows him to be a great basketballer and a man of statistics is just so passionate about his game. Ronaldinho once said on Pepsi Football Academy Show that, the only way a footballer can become big is to have passion for the ball. John H. Johnson, founder of the No.1 Black/African American magazine in the world, in his book, “Succeeding Against All Odds”, and wherever he goes extols in great depth ‘passion’. He had a passion for the emancipation of African Americans and founded it in the Ebony magazine. Deola Sagoe saw her passion in fashion and runways and she carved a niche for herself in fashion and took it to a landslide when she, in conjunction with United Nations, organized and held a world fashion parade for charity.

Having no passion for what you are doing is just like being dead at it. Think about it. All over the world, all products are as a result of someone’s passion. Going big names may sound somehow abstract. If twenty – eight year old Ngozi Adichie could write “Purple Hibiscus”, [her first novel] a wonderful piece that sold and got an award to its credit, after studying ‘writing’, then it must be her passion. If Davida could design and make shirts of international standards that compete with the likes of TM Lewin et al and make exquisite lawyers’ gowns and robes, and she is only a Nigerian law graduate, then you must know that it’s her passion.

If you don’t feel what you are doing presently or you find yourself deadlock, then you had better thought it through. It might be because you don’t have the passion for it. Passion energizes you. It makes you forge ahead. It creates a rebirth! Then if you really need go places, I charge you to leave it if you don’t feel it. It is simple. If you need to drop it because you don’t feel it, you had better follow it because in there lies your passion!

shut up start up

SHUT UP, START UP
By ’Segun Aluko


Have you ever wondered why there is so much poverty in Nigeria whereas the land is so rich? Ask her how much that hair-do costs. I bet you it costs so much! You will also marvel at how much she spends on those finger and toe nails. What about the young man: He will go a long to look so good. He wants to wear Gucci loafers and would not mind if he could get that Thomas Pink designer shirt to go with it. Funny enough, he still complains of money. When you ask her why she looks so sad, pitiably, she would look up to you: “don’t you know things are so hard? I’m broke!” Then you would have asked her how she got so much to spend on her hair. These are actually some of our problems in Nigeria.

It has been proven that Nigeria’s problem is not really a physical one, it is a mental one. So also is poverty. Rev. Sam Adeyemi, the founder and senior pastor of Daystar Christian Centre, Lagos, Nigeria, has said in his teachings: “Advanced Financial Skills 1” that “laziness is not physical but mental – a person who runs away form mental exertion is lazy”. And who does not know that the fast way to poverty is laziness. I believe all have an idea of what laziness means. We complain so much on what we don’t have while we neglect what we have.

Then as a reasonable person and one who really wants to get out of a problem, you would have calmed down and thought of a way out. But it is quite revealing that it is not so far from us in Nigeria. Have you ever witnessed an accident before? Then you would be surprised at how indecisive many of our people are. At a car accident scene, you will see people shouting, wailing, crying, and pitying the unfortunate victims. What about rescuing the victims? You can still save lives! The same reaction would you experience at a fire accident scene.

There are actually many reasons for this. It is because we are lazy. Not the laziness you would have thought about. Many of us thought laziness is lack of physical exertion of energy. We thought that when we do something with our hands, that’s when we are working. But it is not! Laziness is lack of mental exertion! It has been proven that activities do not mean achievements. Rather than complain about your situation, why don’t you think and work out a solution.

Carl T. Rowan, former United States ambassador to Finland and former director of the United States Information Agency wrote as a syndicated columnist and was at the time of his essay, a Reader’s Digest roving editor. That essay was ‘Unforgettable Miss Bessie’. Carl had been Miss Bessie’s student between 1938 and 1942 in high school. He was unfortunate because he is black and was so sorry for that. But Miss Bessie would not allow him to. She believed it was not his situation that matter but what he could make out of it. “What you put in your head, boy”, she once said, “can never be pulled out by the Klu Klux Klan, the congress or anybody”.

One interesting event and which we should learn from was when Carl was leaving school one day. “Once, a few classmates made fun of my frayed, hand-me-down over-coat, calling me “strings”. As I was leaving school, Miss Bessie patted me on the back of that old overcoat and said, “Carl, never fret about what you don’t have. Just make the most of what you do have – a brain””. That is it! Rather than worry about what you don’t have, why don't you look at those things you have. You have you and “…a billion cells in your brain” wrote Dr. Myles Munroe in his book “The Burden of Freedom”.

Niyi Adesanya, co-founder and facilitator of Alliance for Motivational Speakers in Nigeria, has said that for you to have influence, you must not wait for perfect situations. Many people do wait for things to be fairly alright before they could get to do something. That’s where they got it wrong. Perfect situations will never come. You are the one who has to do something to get through. Life will not treat you easy.

I will not finish this essay if we don’t get to know how important it is for us to get prepared. Many of us will rather sit back and wait for money before we prepare what to do with the money. That has been identified for one of the reasons we squander a lot here. Henry Ford, the founder of Ford Motors, USA, and a person who made the American dream of having every American family being able to won a car once reportedly said: “before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success”. Brother, ask a boy scout and he will tell you, “be prepared!” No wonder, the American entrepreneurs are so rich and prosperous. It is out of much times spent in preparation, “spectacular achievements”, Roger Staubach said “come from unspectacular preparation”.

In all, rather than complain about nothing, why don’t you spend your time in something. Be mentally alert; think about what you have rather than what you don’t have. Use your brain and of all, be prepared! Shut up, start up!

RELATIONSHIP OR ROLE-ATIONSHIP

She wakes up at five o clock in the morning. Quickly she put water on the heater. She’s going to run the bath of their kids. She runs to prepare breakfast. She goes ahead to make sure her husband’s shirt is sparkling clean and well-ironed. He wakes up after a short sleep hurrying to get to work. He doesn’t like taking the kids to school. It makes him get late to work besides, "it is the woman’s job", he said, "After all I’m the one to provide for them – pay the bills, rents and the children’s school fees". To our parents and grandees, this may seem a perfect workout at that but it’s not a relationship at all but what Kevin Chappell, senior editor of Ebony Magazine called ‘role-ationship’.

It is indeed true that so many unions and relationships today are not what actors of these unions thought it is. It’s not a relationship at all in fact, far from it. It’s rather a union for casting roles – what the actors cum directors consider as worthy of a man and one that befits the woman. Just like I wrote earlier, this could be a perfect workout for the oldies but it’s somehow a misty and foggy ideal for the contemporaries presently or about to be in relationships.
To my mind, the book that I think has actually taken time and which I’ve read on the issue is Myles Munroe’s "Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men". The author took time to analyse what the people perceived as the roles of both sexes in the relationship. Now the question that readily comes to mind and which he actually posed in the book was: "what if the woman makes more money than the man?" then, a perfect zeroing of the man’s idea. "What if the man knows how to cook well and he enjoys staying around the kids and changing the diapers?" What a perfect answer to the woman! Then, we have confusion. "I thought it is women’s role to change diapers and lure the baby to sleep ", the men would say. Hear the woman: "me, I cannot use my money top pay the rent; it is his job to do that. After all he knows he’s going to do that before he signed for the rent". But the man felt he’s doing it alone. "Can’t she find something to add to it?" he raged back. Now, who should do what?

Did you say the man ought to pay the rent? Then, who gave roles? "He ought to", you said, "at least he married the woman". Then you must have forgotten that the bible said something like "…and the man shall leave his house and meet the woman". Do you see the confusion? Oh… now you know it’s no relationship at all. But as a matter of fact, a good understanding actually should be gotten here rather than work-out. If nobody defines the roles, then a relationship should be based on the people init. I see no reason why a woman cannot pay for the rent if she has the will-power to do so while the husband’s finances is on the low side. Neither do I see any form of abnormality if the man decides to change the baby’s diapers after all it is not ‘only’ her child but their child.
Yes! Some people have said that our customs have given us roles. It is known, for example in the Yoruba custom and tradition of Western Nigeria, that the man is the bread-winner of the family. Primordial days and its experiences is part-reason for that. Short stories and folklores of the male tortoise is here who had to go out to provide for his wife and children – although he’s a clever one and who always have something up his sleeves – that he fell down and cracked his back. The woman ought to stay at home and be with the children and the man instead of being a loving and approachable dad, he’s always rugged, rough and harsh that the children stay miles away from him. Shit! Like the Americans would say. Someone will tell you "it is normal for the child to be closer to the mother" – and run away from the father? No wonder the lifespan of our men are so short compared to their wives.
If this custom which is a mere sand that doesn’t hold water actually stands for this purpose, the how do we describe those doting fathers who feeds the children, wash plates even when their wives are around, dust the house? You can imagine what the irresponsible man said: "it’s an exception to the rule; for every rule there’s always an exception". Please help ask him: was rules made for man or man for rules? Besides, who made the rules? The woman would say "he’s just an old jerk who doesn’t take time to see the way his mates do in their family". True it may be, but what things are you doing outside what you consider roles?

I believe this is the twenty-first century with its innovations in the area of science and technology and also, learning. If we could have these, there need to be innovative mind also. Rather than waste away in awarding roles - like they do in Nollywood – on what is considered appropriate in a family and other unions thinking it’s relationship, why don’t you spend time and look at how you can best utilize and maximize the time and opportunity you have with that man and what you’d be missing without that woman. Just like Kevin Chappell wrote, it is true that we need a fresh look at relationship and know if yours is really a relationship or role-ationship and quickly see amend.

She Wants Commitment, But He Doesn’t: She Deserves All Of It

It was once a tentative kiss. Slowly it gets on, intense this time. He is reaching for her curves. Gently, he lets his right palm wander to the small tender breasts and strikes the nipples gently. She moans and he smiles. Gently he reached for her panties, pulling it down sensually, emitting the non-descript tones from her. He is enjoying it, she is also enjoying it but in their mind, it is war. She wants commitment, but she’s not sure if she’s getting what she’s giving – her commitment. However, he doesn’t want commitment at all.

This is about one of the major issues in relationship all over the world and it is a troubling one at that. It has even led to the break up of relationships, so many homes and even marriages leaving behind heart breaks, hatred, sadness, and in marriages and homes, displaced children who are quite unsure whom to follow in divorce – “loving” mum “who couldn’t suffer with the kids”, or “violent” dad “who brings goodies home every evening”.

Relationships and even marriages end up on a sad note due to the misplacement of purpose of what relationship and marriage stand for. A little bit of theology shows us that it was in God’s wisdom that it was for man not to live alone and, not to think alone, reason alone, build alone, and do many things alone – that God made for him a woman. Then something is worthy of note here. The man thinks! And for a purpose, the woman is born and they have to share things together and even do things together.

This, the woman in many relationships seeks to pursue but unfortunately, her man does not feel the same about it. Her man believes that having sex is what makes the relationship stands and is, therefore, only interested in her for that. Heck no! Zondra Hughes, in her article: “Sister Beware! Are You Really ‘The One’ – Or Just One of Many?” published in Ebony magazine, May 2005, wrote that there is a red flag if “you (the lady) only see him during the off-peak hours – and most often in the bedroom.” Then that should alert the lady that her man is not interested in fulfilling that purpose but only in her body and all he would get from her is sex.

I’d actually heard guys complain that they couldn’t find a girl to go out with and those they’ve tried to talk into relationships, have given them ‘no’ for answer. I’ve also been in their shoes before but what bothers me really is the guy’s attitude afterwards. My experience with Yetunde comes into my mind. I’ve actually thought about playing around and I got talking with her. She was beautiful, buxom and one of the people I’ve actually enjoyed spending time with. She is such a straightforward person who tells you what you need to hear and what you may not like to hear. I so much liked her. Then, I had a change of purpose. I’m going to date her. I thought I was getting to like her the more. Unfortunately, she declined my proposal. She said she had a boyfriend and though she liked me but would like to put it at that. “I like spending some of my time with you”, she began, “but we’ll have to just put it at that. I love my man.” I tried harder but ‘no’ I got. Then, my attitude to her changed. The once buxom, beautiful and loving girl turned something else to me. I didn’t feel the heat anymore! Then I asked myself: “Did I ever like her that much at all!?”

Do you know how wrong my perception about the relationship? Very wrong. I thought I cannot give to her unless I’m dating her! Then, I never liked her! Once you thought unless you get something back, you cannot give, that means you are not living well. John Bunyan, a writer, once said, “You have not lived today successfully unless you have done something to somebody who can never repay you”. I tried to be romantic and planned things with her in mind before I asked her out but immediately she said ‘no’, I didn’t feel it anymore. A friend once observed and that’s one thing that I’d never forget in my life: “Don’t you think you can still add to her life even if you guys don’t go out?”

I think brothers are selfish. She wants commitment, but you don’t. She wants a monogamous relationship but you still see those girls. She wants to talk about it and all she gets was smacking. If you still see those girls, then should you complain that she’s an infidel? Or how will you feel if same thing is being done to your own sister? You get the money and advice on your only investment from her and now she doesn’t worth your commitment any longer. That silky black tie that girls love playing with and that Stacy Adams suits guys at the office admire so much deserves your time but sure you can’t forget so soon how lightened up your eyes were when she gave them to you on your birthday. I think you should hear what St Francis of Assisi said: “all getting separates from others; all giving unites you to others”.

If she can leave those guys and put all her attention on you and you alone, although you know you’re not as dude as those other guys, you should also give her that attention because she deserves every bit of your attention.