What’s there in the “brother” and “sister” title?
For a Yoruba person, from the Western Nigeria, West Africa, the salutation of one’s parent or elderly person is not complete without the revered prostration by the male, or kneeling down by the female. Mere curtsey is not allowed. This way of greeting one’s parents or elderly person is not eroded at the attainment of a particularly age. One is still regarded as a child by his/her parent. While growing up as a young boy, I was amused while visiting my paternal grandma to see my father prostrated flat for her.
It is also a common heritage among the Yorubas based on this adage that “only one person gives birth to a child, but 200 people educate the child in the proper way of living”. Unlike the Western world, particularly America and Europe, the Yoruba child is not only tutored by his/her parents, guardians or family members. Every elderly person in the society is the guardian of the child. S/he takes one or little things as building blocks for themselves through acquisition of basic qualities considered acceptable in the society. These qualities include honesty, integrity, respect, kindness, philanthropy, attitudinal living, amongst others.
It is therefore not surprising in a Yoruba community to hear people express their opinion about a person in certain ways. A person may be considered either good or bad based on the exhibition of any of the above qualities, or lack of it. So, you hear a woman comment on a young lady; “she’s such a good daughter. She definitely must have come from a good home”, she takes a pause to pick the right expression. She smiles at finding that expression; “she was tutored rightly, and she received it rightly”. For a young man, he could be validated in the way he dresses, curtsies or relates to the elders. Little wonder you hear this expression touted among elders in a Yoruba society, “a child who knows how to wash her hands properly will definitely dine with the elders”.
The need for respect of elders cannot be overemphasized in the Yoruba society. An act of disrespect or disregard to elders is highly rebuked in the society. This is considered as the main fabric that holds the society together and must not be left to be denigrated. At a tender age, depending on one’s background, a child is tutored on the ways to address his elder siblings, elder cousins, elder family friends, and elder neighbours.
I remember while I was a teenager myself. I lived in an environment of young families of which mine was one. I am the first child of a family of five, comprising father, mother and three children. So also were a number of families on our street. I must be quick to remind you that we had no fence and big gates in front of our home. Although we had fence at the back, I guess it was just the way houses around were designed in the Oke-Ado axis of Ibadan (a very popular place), Nigeria. Although Dr. Taiwo’s family home did and still has fences but you can see what’s going on in that house. It’s open and we all integrated like a family. That’s just a digression; let’s get back to my message. During those formative years, you’d identify with your peers easily, and it wasn’t hard either to make new friends even if your family is just moving into a new environment.
You could find people within the same age bracket hanging out either trekking to school, playing football or playing “ten ten” among the girls (this is a game of hitting palms playfully and jumping over drawn patterns on the ground which common was among the females). You could even have these peers in the same class at school or a year below, or above. Besides, we have people older than us as peers. They are like 2 – 4 years older than us. Now, this is the catch. You dare not call these people by their first names. It comes with a title. You address them with “brother” or “sister” (most times “aunty” due to our ignorance of what “aunty” really means) in front of their names. For example, for a girl whose name is Yemisi, you dare not call her like that! You’re such a disrespectable person to do that! The proper way to address her will be “Aunty Yemisi”; so also will be acceptable for a boy whose name is Kunle, “Brother Kunle”.
This was a serious issue as it could lead to malice, violence and bitterness in the course of claiming “elder status” or “egbon” to another person. Once it’s presumed or proven that a person is older than another by at least 8 months (of course not in the same year) or more, the former would most likely demand to either be addressed as “brother” or “aunty”, or not to be spoken to at all, “as s/he will not take such act of disrespect from a junior”. I recollect, with amusement, my own bits of actions in demanding “elder status” from someone, and how it’s been demanded from me.
For your entertainment, I remember this guy from high school. He lived three streets from where my family lived. Most times, he’d pass in front of my house while I was helping mom out to display her provisions which she sold in front of the house after she left public service. This guy, I’ll call Wale (not real name), a year my senior in high school, would chat me up. But as time went by, he stopped. Anytime I called to say hi, he acted up. Then, I chinned him. Only one day, he asked a good friend of mine who I was walking home after his visit at my place. He called Oye aside and asked him, “What’re you doing with that guy? That boy’s a small boy now. How’d he addressed me only by my name?” I must confess that it was not really a good one for me. Agreed, I was quite short but I didn’t expect it from him. Eventually, we got together as good friends at the University before he dropped out. I recollect that experience amongst others with so much amusement that I want to roll on my tummy.
Although how lofty and good this all sound to build a young mind, it also has its bad sides. I think it often times breed hypocrisy. This time, not religious hypocrisy or some acts of sycophancy. Respect is not something that’s forced from someone. I might call Tunde, “egbon” but may not respect him. Is it new to observe in our society, a younger person who’s more financially capable than his elder sibling publicly lambasting the latter. It is not uncommon to hear expression like: “Brother Kola, don’t you think it is unreasonable of you to allow them use my car like that?” This comes to tell us that respect is really not in the way you address someone.
It’s quite interesting that the Americans find our mode of addressing elderly persons interesting and worth emulating, but we can learn a bit from them also. They address people with first names except with the person’s title in appropriate instances. But many of them address and relate with others based on the person’s persona and respect him/ her accordingly. That’s why you find an employee address his boss by his/ her first name and that won’t in any way reduce the former’s take home pay at the end of the month, neither does it affect the work relationship between them. No wonder companies in Nigeria, most especially, 21st century Nigerian law firms, new generation banks, transnational companies and some other corporations had embraced the act of addressing co-employees and administrative officers by their first names in their company policy. This, they argued, fosters interpersonal relationship as it puts every person on a level playing ground. Moreover, unity, amity, harmony and goal-oriented work place are built everyday in their day to day activities.
I am not in any way averse to this way of addressing elders in our society, as this is a Yoruba culture, although “brother” or “sister” is in no way in our vocabulary. My father once told me they were not allowed while growing up to call an elder sibling, older by a day, by his/ her name. I find that flabbergasting. But it’s also funny that elderly people still quarrel over this form of address. I was shocked when a friend told me about a “brother” who snubbed him only because he waved at him with his left hand, at the same time while a baby was carefully placed on his right hand. Maybe the “brother” wanted him to throw away the baby while he observed with dexterity the Yoruba culture of the ostracism of the left hand (a matter for another day). I think “brother” is suffering from a serious low self esteem “syndrome”.
It is important to understand my position here. It will of course be out of place to address an “elder” as it were by his/ her first name no matter the circumstances. It is not acceptable and should be totally frowned at. But you wouldn’t call an elderly person “brother” or “sister”. You would rather call them, egbon, aunty, mama, baba, or nicknames depending on the relationship. I am particularly interested in the mode of address which to my mind, only fosters hypocrisy, sycophancy and high demand for cheap respect.
I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, and preferences. I honestly would prefer my two sisters to address me simply as “Segun” rather than attaching the title of “brother” conferred on me by virtue of coming to the world, two, and four years respectively before them. But my mother will have none of that. “Not in my own house”, she said slapping her chest in unison. I have many elder friends, whom I address only by their first names and I don’t only respect them, I adore them and always look forward to getting from their wealth of knowledge and experience. This is the new age. I’d prefer my children to address each other by their first names. I’ve seen it among other families. It brings about, cohesion; friendliness; and openness of mind among siblings. I love this as there are no airs, we’re all peers given the same pedestal to air our views on issues and equal opportunities to fulfil our potentials as human beings.
© ‘Segun Aluko
11:55 pm
05 September, 2008
Ibadan, Nigeria
