shut up start up

SHUT UP, START UP
By ’Segun Aluko


Have you ever wondered why there is so much poverty in Nigeria whereas the land is so rich? Ask her how much that hair-do costs. I bet you it costs so much! You will also marvel at how much she spends on those finger and toe nails. What about the young man: He will go a long to look so good. He wants to wear Gucci loafers and would not mind if he could get that Thomas Pink designer shirt to go with it. Funny enough, he still complains of money. When you ask her why she looks so sad, pitiably, she would look up to you: “don’t you know things are so hard? I’m broke!” Then you would have asked her how she got so much to spend on her hair. These are actually some of our problems in Nigeria.

It has been proven that Nigeria’s problem is not really a physical one, it is a mental one. So also is poverty. Rev. Sam Adeyemi, the founder and senior pastor of Daystar Christian Centre, Lagos, Nigeria, has said in his teachings: “Advanced Financial Skills 1” that “laziness is not physical but mental – a person who runs away form mental exertion is lazy”. And who does not know that the fast way to poverty is laziness. I believe all have an idea of what laziness means. We complain so much on what we don’t have while we neglect what we have.

Then as a reasonable person and one who really wants to get out of a problem, you would have calmed down and thought of a way out. But it is quite revealing that it is not so far from us in Nigeria. Have you ever witnessed an accident before? Then you would be surprised at how indecisive many of our people are. At a car accident scene, you will see people shouting, wailing, crying, and pitying the unfortunate victims. What about rescuing the victims? You can still save lives! The same reaction would you experience at a fire accident scene.

There are actually many reasons for this. It is because we are lazy. Not the laziness you would have thought about. Many of us thought laziness is lack of physical exertion of energy. We thought that when we do something with our hands, that’s when we are working. But it is not! Laziness is lack of mental exertion! It has been proven that activities do not mean achievements. Rather than complain about your situation, why don’t you think and work out a solution.

Carl T. Rowan, former United States ambassador to Finland and former director of the United States Information Agency wrote as a syndicated columnist and was at the time of his essay, a Reader’s Digest roving editor. That essay was ‘Unforgettable Miss Bessie’. Carl had been Miss Bessie’s student between 1938 and 1942 in high school. He was unfortunate because he is black and was so sorry for that. But Miss Bessie would not allow him to. She believed it was not his situation that matter but what he could make out of it. “What you put in your head, boy”, she once said, “can never be pulled out by the Klu Klux Klan, the congress or anybody”.

One interesting event and which we should learn from was when Carl was leaving school one day. “Once, a few classmates made fun of my frayed, hand-me-down over-coat, calling me “strings”. As I was leaving school, Miss Bessie patted me on the back of that old overcoat and said, “Carl, never fret about what you don’t have. Just make the most of what you do have – a brain””. That is it! Rather than worry about what you don’t have, why don't you look at those things you have. You have you and “…a billion cells in your brain” wrote Dr. Myles Munroe in his book “The Burden of Freedom”.

Niyi Adesanya, co-founder and facilitator of Alliance for Motivational Speakers in Nigeria, has said that for you to have influence, you must not wait for perfect situations. Many people do wait for things to be fairly alright before they could get to do something. That’s where they got it wrong. Perfect situations will never come. You are the one who has to do something to get through. Life will not treat you easy.

I will not finish this essay if we don’t get to know how important it is for us to get prepared. Many of us will rather sit back and wait for money before we prepare what to do with the money. That has been identified for one of the reasons we squander a lot here. Henry Ford, the founder of Ford Motors, USA, and a person who made the American dream of having every American family being able to won a car once reportedly said: “before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success”. Brother, ask a boy scout and he will tell you, “be prepared!” No wonder, the American entrepreneurs are so rich and prosperous. It is out of much times spent in preparation, “spectacular achievements”, Roger Staubach said “come from unspectacular preparation”.

In all, rather than complain about nothing, why don’t you spend your time in something. Be mentally alert; think about what you have rather than what you don’t have. Use your brain and of all, be prepared! Shut up, start up!

RELATIONSHIP OR ROLE-ATIONSHIP

She wakes up at five o clock in the morning. Quickly she put water on the heater. She’s going to run the bath of their kids. She runs to prepare breakfast. She goes ahead to make sure her husband’s shirt is sparkling clean and well-ironed. He wakes up after a short sleep hurrying to get to work. He doesn’t like taking the kids to school. It makes him get late to work besides, "it is the woman’s job", he said, "After all I’m the one to provide for them – pay the bills, rents and the children’s school fees". To our parents and grandees, this may seem a perfect workout at that but it’s not a relationship at all but what Kevin Chappell, senior editor of Ebony Magazine called ‘role-ationship’.

It is indeed true that so many unions and relationships today are not what actors of these unions thought it is. It’s not a relationship at all in fact, far from it. It’s rather a union for casting roles – what the actors cum directors consider as worthy of a man and one that befits the woman. Just like I wrote earlier, this could be a perfect workout for the oldies but it’s somehow a misty and foggy ideal for the contemporaries presently or about to be in relationships.
To my mind, the book that I think has actually taken time and which I’ve read on the issue is Myles Munroe’s "Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men". The author took time to analyse what the people perceived as the roles of both sexes in the relationship. Now the question that readily comes to mind and which he actually posed in the book was: "what if the woman makes more money than the man?" then, a perfect zeroing of the man’s idea. "What if the man knows how to cook well and he enjoys staying around the kids and changing the diapers?" What a perfect answer to the woman! Then, we have confusion. "I thought it is women’s role to change diapers and lure the baby to sleep ", the men would say. Hear the woman: "me, I cannot use my money top pay the rent; it is his job to do that. After all he knows he’s going to do that before he signed for the rent". But the man felt he’s doing it alone. "Can’t she find something to add to it?" he raged back. Now, who should do what?

Did you say the man ought to pay the rent? Then, who gave roles? "He ought to", you said, "at least he married the woman". Then you must have forgotten that the bible said something like "…and the man shall leave his house and meet the woman". Do you see the confusion? Oh… now you know it’s no relationship at all. But as a matter of fact, a good understanding actually should be gotten here rather than work-out. If nobody defines the roles, then a relationship should be based on the people init. I see no reason why a woman cannot pay for the rent if she has the will-power to do so while the husband’s finances is on the low side. Neither do I see any form of abnormality if the man decides to change the baby’s diapers after all it is not ‘only’ her child but their child.
Yes! Some people have said that our customs have given us roles. It is known, for example in the Yoruba custom and tradition of Western Nigeria, that the man is the bread-winner of the family. Primordial days and its experiences is part-reason for that. Short stories and folklores of the male tortoise is here who had to go out to provide for his wife and children – although he’s a clever one and who always have something up his sleeves – that he fell down and cracked his back. The woman ought to stay at home and be with the children and the man instead of being a loving and approachable dad, he’s always rugged, rough and harsh that the children stay miles away from him. Shit! Like the Americans would say. Someone will tell you "it is normal for the child to be closer to the mother" – and run away from the father? No wonder the lifespan of our men are so short compared to their wives.
If this custom which is a mere sand that doesn’t hold water actually stands for this purpose, the how do we describe those doting fathers who feeds the children, wash plates even when their wives are around, dust the house? You can imagine what the irresponsible man said: "it’s an exception to the rule; for every rule there’s always an exception". Please help ask him: was rules made for man or man for rules? Besides, who made the rules? The woman would say "he’s just an old jerk who doesn’t take time to see the way his mates do in their family". True it may be, but what things are you doing outside what you consider roles?

I believe this is the twenty-first century with its innovations in the area of science and technology and also, learning. If we could have these, there need to be innovative mind also. Rather than waste away in awarding roles - like they do in Nollywood – on what is considered appropriate in a family and other unions thinking it’s relationship, why don’t you spend time and look at how you can best utilize and maximize the time and opportunity you have with that man and what you’d be missing without that woman. Just like Kevin Chappell wrote, it is true that we need a fresh look at relationship and know if yours is really a relationship or role-ationship and quickly see amend.

She Wants Commitment, But He Doesn’t: She Deserves All Of It

It was once a tentative kiss. Slowly it gets on, intense this time. He is reaching for her curves. Gently, he lets his right palm wander to the small tender breasts and strikes the nipples gently. She moans and he smiles. Gently he reached for her panties, pulling it down sensually, emitting the non-descript tones from her. He is enjoying it, she is also enjoying it but in their mind, it is war. She wants commitment, but she’s not sure if she’s getting what she’s giving – her commitment. However, he doesn’t want commitment at all.

This is about one of the major issues in relationship all over the world and it is a troubling one at that. It has even led to the break up of relationships, so many homes and even marriages leaving behind heart breaks, hatred, sadness, and in marriages and homes, displaced children who are quite unsure whom to follow in divorce – “loving” mum “who couldn’t suffer with the kids”, or “violent” dad “who brings goodies home every evening”.

Relationships and even marriages end up on a sad note due to the misplacement of purpose of what relationship and marriage stand for. A little bit of theology shows us that it was in God’s wisdom that it was for man not to live alone and, not to think alone, reason alone, build alone, and do many things alone – that God made for him a woman. Then something is worthy of note here. The man thinks! And for a purpose, the woman is born and they have to share things together and even do things together.

This, the woman in many relationships seeks to pursue but unfortunately, her man does not feel the same about it. Her man believes that having sex is what makes the relationship stands and is, therefore, only interested in her for that. Heck no! Zondra Hughes, in her article: “Sister Beware! Are You Really ‘The One’ – Or Just One of Many?” published in Ebony magazine, May 2005, wrote that there is a red flag if “you (the lady) only see him during the off-peak hours – and most often in the bedroom.” Then that should alert the lady that her man is not interested in fulfilling that purpose but only in her body and all he would get from her is sex.

I’d actually heard guys complain that they couldn’t find a girl to go out with and those they’ve tried to talk into relationships, have given them ‘no’ for answer. I’ve also been in their shoes before but what bothers me really is the guy’s attitude afterwards. My experience with Yetunde comes into my mind. I’ve actually thought about playing around and I got talking with her. She was beautiful, buxom and one of the people I’ve actually enjoyed spending time with. She is such a straightforward person who tells you what you need to hear and what you may not like to hear. I so much liked her. Then, I had a change of purpose. I’m going to date her. I thought I was getting to like her the more. Unfortunately, she declined my proposal. She said she had a boyfriend and though she liked me but would like to put it at that. “I like spending some of my time with you”, she began, “but we’ll have to just put it at that. I love my man.” I tried harder but ‘no’ I got. Then, my attitude to her changed. The once buxom, beautiful and loving girl turned something else to me. I didn’t feel the heat anymore! Then I asked myself: “Did I ever like her that much at all!?”

Do you know how wrong my perception about the relationship? Very wrong. I thought I cannot give to her unless I’m dating her! Then, I never liked her! Once you thought unless you get something back, you cannot give, that means you are not living well. John Bunyan, a writer, once said, “You have not lived today successfully unless you have done something to somebody who can never repay you”. I tried to be romantic and planned things with her in mind before I asked her out but immediately she said ‘no’, I didn’t feel it anymore. A friend once observed and that’s one thing that I’d never forget in my life: “Don’t you think you can still add to her life even if you guys don’t go out?”

I think brothers are selfish. She wants commitment, but you don’t. She wants a monogamous relationship but you still see those girls. She wants to talk about it and all she gets was smacking. If you still see those girls, then should you complain that she’s an infidel? Or how will you feel if same thing is being done to your own sister? You get the money and advice on your only investment from her and now she doesn’t worth your commitment any longer. That silky black tie that girls love playing with and that Stacy Adams suits guys at the office admire so much deserves your time but sure you can’t forget so soon how lightened up your eyes were when she gave them to you on your birthday. I think you should hear what St Francis of Assisi said: “all getting separates from others; all giving unites you to others”.

If she can leave those guys and put all her attention on you and you alone, although you know you’re not as dude as those other guys, you should also give her that attention because she deserves every bit of your attention.