My Decision Today

Something just occurred today. It was a bombshell! And I must tell you it caught me off guard. I could have been hurt so much with so many burns on my body. I could have lain on the dirty road of Ketu helpless and pitiable. I could have just been hit by headache so much I couldn't bear with migraine in quick succession. I didn't expect this at all. It was a shocker for me. I love life so much, a very good one, and I can't deny it; I love women-beautiful women. They are gifts from God to this world. I can never imagine how this world will be like without the woman. It can never be complete you know. But as indispensable as they are, coupled with so much power they possess, women can also give you a shocker. I won't really say there have been some women in my life really but let me just say, I have had a little share of women. I love hanging out with them and I love just being with them. They could be good being your friend that you could just walk in to her room and having a wonderful meal. Flatter in the classroom. Laugh and joke with in the office. And sometimes, share deep feelings in your sober time of reflections. But there is something I don't really like about her. She's so full of indecision. I believe everybody, or put in a better way, most people want best for themselves and they know the best for themselves. It's the way a woman plays with a man's emotion when the latter intends to cross from that bridge of friendship into being a lover. She can really be a pain in the butt. A confident, suave and debonair guy can be disturbed with so much perspiration over him. It's just a big bomb and it could easily destroy though not instantly physical. Anyway, a psychological one, it appears at the instance but no doubt it materializes in the physical. It's a big pain and who can bear? I've had my share of this and I'm still having it. I actually had it this morning and I almost fell in the convulsive collapse of a paralytic whose seizures had become unbearable anymore. I told you I love women. Sure I do, but I've always found myself at fix in making a decision of who to talk to. So was my experience with Joke, the neighbour next door. We grew up together and it took me quite a long time into puberty to know how endowed she was. What a luscious red-shaded lips so natural and loving.

Yetunde was not all I wanted for a girl but now, she is many things I wanted for a girl. She was all brain and beauty. But it never went the way I thought it would. It all crumbled when I decided to cross the bridge. There is just something about the bridge. It’s so disturbing.

I usually look at my friends with admiration and wonder at myself with trepidation when I hear about one falling in love with the other girl and both of them having a good time. In wonder, I look at them because I found it amusing, interesting and strange. But with trepidation I look at myself and ask me: Is there anything wrong with you? Have I ever really fallen in love? I don’t think so. Joke told me it was only infatuation. Yetunde didn’t really tell me what it was but definitely, it was no love. It’s something else and I still wait with patience to know what it was. To Toyin, it was LIKE.

My life is full of tests and examinations. In my young life, I’ve been able to surmount some but this one seems so intractable and difficult to solve. I look at myself and I still wonder if ever I’m going to move away from this circle. It’s just so disturbing and it’s not getting interesting at all for me. I’m sick and tired of it. It’s not a small circle anymore. It’s a big circle with towers around it like the twin towers that hold that imposing bridge on the river Thames in London. It’s slippery so, I couldn’t climb through and I have no gloves. How I wish I get a tall iron ladder and maybe, I could climb my way through and take a deep sigh of relief with a sweet savour of freedom that looms beyond.

Funmi is no difference this morning but with a tinge of bile. Her test seems a virgin one but it’s been around though with a new coat it seems. And when the equation came, I stood rooted not like a tree but a student with a mathematical problem staring him right in the face in the exam hall with no sight of any formula in his memory. It’s sad.

I woke up this morning with so much love for life and anxiety with what this day will bring. I should have called her in the night with my mtn free night calls but I was fast asleep with my mind far away in God-knows- where land. When I woke up, I was just anxious and I won’t lie to you man, she was and is so much on my mind. She was in the bathroom and I had to call back. When I did, I was standing at the bus stop in Ketu with sound blasting everywhere. I managed to talk on my rather recalcitrant phone as it wouldn’t concede to the disturbing sound around me. What a sweet voice to relish early in the morning. But it wasn’t long when the reality dawn on me. Why do you want to see me? What do you want to talk about? What is about US? I don’t think there is a US. All came like a torrent and I stood there defenseless and helpless as I was crushed with the sharp missiles hitting at me and piercing into my inner being.

‘But I guess you broke up’, I managed to say. I couldn’t believe she and her ex she once told me walked away and left her in the cold had just come back. Will I ever fall in love? Am I going to really live the Prince Charming sweeping my lady off the red carpet story? I don’t know.

I could’ve walked away again and accept the horse has thrown me down and pissed on me. But I will not accept that again. She’s not going to throw me down this time. I’m going to hold on to the reins and hold it tight. I may not go out with her. It doesn’t even seem probable any longer. But I’ll not renege in my growing love for her. I’ll nurture it till it blossoms so well so I can nestle under it’s ever inviting shadow. I’m not going to blow it up like I did with Yetunde. I’m still going to call her and tell her I still adore her for being her. I’m going to tell her how much she still means to me even if she felt her ex is back and better. I’m going to show her and prove to myself I can love unconditionally. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to stay focus so I can love straight. That’s my decision today and for a very long time to come.